My Heart

There are a lot of things that I want to write about... I have found a few things out about myself lately. I seem to write that a lot here, but it is true. I also seem to only write when I have had some profound learning experience to share, but I don't mind that so much. Honestly, I am too busy to function most times. I thought that my life was full during college and I would nod knowingly when people would tell me that life just gets busier after college. I didn't think that was true... I know better now! It is a different kind of busy then college, but at any rate...

I had a wonderful experience this morning. In order to fully understand it, I need to tell about my weekend. I work every other weekend from 11 pm to 7 am with some days in the middle. This weekend was my weekend off, but as I usually do, I picked up a shift on Friday night/Saturday morning. I got off work and made my way to the church because I had a few projects to finish up for the weekend. While I was there, I met up with a handful of guys and we began a project in the sanctuary to completely redo the video projection equipment. My project was to install 2 new projectors and wire them appropriately. So, I haven't slept (I am even still in my scrubs) and all 6 of us are working our tails off. This was one of those projects that gets bigger as you start working on it. We finish just in time for Saturday night service to start, about 6 pm, a good 8 solid hours of work most of which for me involved being up on a rickety orchard ladder. At one point, the ladder began to kick out from under me, so it was lucky I grabbed one of the sprinkler pipes and held on to the ladder with my feet.

After this, I go home and was in bed by 7:30 fast asleep. I woke up at about 5 am, I knew this was going to happen, so I was ready for it. I went to Starbucks and spent time in the word and then got to PSCC early for service to fix any problems with the new system and to play on worship team. The day ended with ReWire Afterhours and me falling asleep at Nate & Cori's place while watching Indiana Jones...

Yesterday, I spent the vast majority of it asleep... either in bed or on the couch. My body was recovering from the abuse it had endured from my last few weeks of work and especially the weekend. After a long day of napping, I went to bed and woke up at 2 am this morning. I stopped kidding myself about going back to sleep and went to Bertolino's... enough back story?

I opened the Word and began to read. Something I have been challenged in is my discipline about reading the Word, so I have been getting better about spending time in Scripture. I also have been journaling more and this has borne great fruit. I find that when I started the whole journaling process, I wasn't being honest with myself and in turn I was not being honest with God. I am becoming more honest with myself... not condemning myself for having emotions, acknowledging the fact that things sometimes are not OK etc... The craziest thing happened, I began to dream... Not the practical looking to the future and speculating as to what it holds, but to dream! What would I love to do, what seems impossible but would bring me the most joy. The very presence of God was restoring my ability to dream, not just to plan the future, but to see what kind of crazy things are in store for my future. I spend a lot of time planning and strategizing things, and I am decent at it, but to dream... that is a gift from God.

I read something in "Secrets of the Secret Place" by Bob Sorge that really spoke to me. Being in the presence of God is like radiation therapy for cancer patients. I have a cancerous disease, it is called sin and being in the Lord's presence is like getting Chemo, except this is the surest therapy ever. My desire for the things of this world decreases and my desire for Him increases. He allows me to dream again. My existence has been bleak lately... same thing, different day. But to dream again... it feels good.

So, since 2 am this morning, I have been dreaming... and this is way better than sleep.

until next time I have a profound learning experience.