As I was on my way back from Eugene, OR I had some spare time so I wrote about 11 pages in my notebook/journal. Sorry for the long post, but let us see how well it translates onto the website...
As I am riding on a bus that likes to tilt to one side, similar to a sailing ship tacking upwind, with a driver that looks and sounds like a younger Sylvester Stalone, I am reading a book by Gary Witherall called Total Abandon. We are passing the fertile fields of central Oregon, many of which are flooded from the incessant rains lately, and I think,
As I am riding on a bus that likes to tilt to one side, similar to a sailing ship tacking upwind, with a driver that looks and sounds like a younger Sylvester Stalone, I am reading a book by Gary Witherall called Total Abandon. We are passing the fertile fields of central Oregon, many of which are flooded from the incessant rains lately, and I think,
"What is this adventure that I am on, God?"
I want to be in ministry, my church wants me too, Ignite needs me (I feel) and my sister Laura just asked me to look into taking over as the youth pastor at her church. I love ministry and I love seeing people grow in a deeper relationship with Him, but do I love it too much?
God does not want me in ministry. He does not care if I ever lead worship or preach. All God wants is me, on my face, in His presence, worshiping in His throne room, reading His word... In short, God does not want my ministry, God wants me, all of me. As Tim Hughes sings,
I want to be in ministry, my church wants me too, Ignite needs me (I feel) and my sister Laura just asked me to look into taking over as the youth pastor at her church. I love ministry and I love seeing people grow in a deeper relationship with Him, but do I love it too much?
God does not want me in ministry. He does not care if I ever lead worship or preach. All God wants is me, on my face, in His presence, worshiping in His throne room, reading His word... In short, God does not want my ministry, God wants me, all of me. As Tim Hughes sings,
"...take the world, but give me you..."
I spent a while at the Onyx House at the University of Oregon with my friend Aaron "Montana" Bradley. It was cool to see him in his natural environment, surrounded by people that love him and really know him. It was also cool to live in a Christian community for at least one night. This weekend was the latest step in my journey to my groundbreaking realization that God does not need my miistry. While we were at Onyx House, they had their weekly college group service. Yes, the worship team was not great. Yes, there was a lot of people who missed the point of worship. Why did that stop me from entering myself? Do I have to have it loud or my style of music? Does it have to meet a certain level of excellence? Have I become a religious Pharisee that cannot see the spirit of things becase I am blinded by the form?
Lord, SAVE ME!!!
One of the chief topice of conversation was Aaron and his girlfried of less than a month, Katherine. She is a real sweet, friendly and Godly woman and Aaron is a goofy, hilarious and Godly man. I found it hard to listen as conversation invariably shifted...
"Can you believe Montana and Kat are dating?
"No! I had to go ask so-and-so to find out if it was true!"
"I just can't see it?!?!?!"
But who am I to judge another ministry. The Lord brought me to Romans 12 in worship on Friday night, especially verse 9 where it says,
I spent a while at the Onyx House at the University of Oregon with my friend Aaron "Montana" Bradley. It was cool to see him in his natural environment, surrounded by people that love him and really know him. It was also cool to live in a Christian community for at least one night. This weekend was the latest step in my journey to my groundbreaking realization that God does not need my miistry. While we were at Onyx House, they had their weekly college group service. Yes, the worship team was not great. Yes, there was a lot of people who missed the point of worship. Why did that stop me from entering myself? Do I have to have it loud or my style of music? Does it have to meet a certain level of excellence? Have I become a religious Pharisee that cannot see the spirit of things becase I am blinded by the form?
Lord, SAVE ME!!!
One of the chief topice of conversation was Aaron and his girlfried of less than a month, Katherine. She is a real sweet, friendly and Godly woman and Aaron is a goofy, hilarious and Godly man. I found it hard to listen as conversation invariably shifted...
"Can you believe Montana and Kat are dating?
"No! I had to go ask so-and-so to find out if it was true!"
"I just can't see it?!?!?!"
But who am I to judge another ministry. The Lord brought me to Romans 12 in worship on Friday night, especially verse 9 where it says,
"Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor evil; cling to good.
My love is hypocritical. I cannot love without putting a price tag on it. Even my closest friends, I find sometimes that I need things from them in order to love them as they deserve to be. I need the love of Christ to change the way that I love people. I don't come across as a very loving person sometimes. I can be very proud, think of myself first and I generally think that I am right about everything.
Lord, teach me to love like you do!
This issue of my high opinion of myself has been coming up lately. Ignite hosted 48 Hours of Prayer and I was the guy who organized it, planned it and at times pushed it on people. Despite my humanity, the Holy Spirit took it and blessed it regardless of me. I am also planning a Spring Getaway for Ignite to Aberdeen. I have been tracking down all the little details of the trip and crossing "t's" and dotting "i's". I am enjoying the process, I just forgot one little detail... I haven't asked God what He wants to do with our group in Aberdeen. God has been planning this event since before He created time and He is allowing me to be a part of it. In all of this planning I was talking to my mentor and pastor, Mark Wolbert and he mentioned that it must feel good to be used by the Lord. I said something to the affirmitive and now looking back, my heart was not right! In my heart, I had a seed that said it was about time that the Lord recognized my leadership potential and started to use it.
HOW ARROGANT AM I?
To think that the One who made me is "finally" recognizing how the skills He gave me can be used... Ouch. I want to be used by the Lord, but I need to realize that God will use me for Himself as long as I am not trying to use myself for Him.
This whole can of worms came up when Aaron asked me on the way down to Eugene who should lead the Spring Break mission trip. I thought for a bit, analyzing the strengths and weaknesses of everyone in our leadership team and quickly deducted that I was the only one who could manage the job. I told him that it should be ME and Niki, who I love doing ministry with. We really work well together and between the two of us, we could do the job. Aaron said something that shut me down and made me think. He said that he would rather have someone lead it who was going to fail and learn something than have someone who would not fail and in not failing would fail to learn something.
I have never been able to accept failure. I hate it and would rather never go through it. But I need to fail, how else is God going to teach me anything? I need to learn that mistakes are okay and that I can make them, if I learn from them. I am not always right and there are many ways to skin a cat. My high opinion of myself and my ministry ability are based on MY talents and MY skills. Both are not good things to put much confidence in I am realizing.
So, the mistake I am learning from is the attitude that MY ministry matters. Onyx House does not need ME to come down there and lead worship. Ignite does not need MY leadership ability to run a good trip. My sisters church does not need ME to come and lead their youth. The only thing that they need is Jesus and if He chooses to administer Himself through me, then I am willing. I do not need to step out and offer MY services if it is not what God wants.
The only thing that matters in my ministry is my ministry unto the Lord, the time I spend with Him, the worship I offer Him when we are alone together and my abandonment to His Holy Spirit.
As I finished the book by Gary Witherall, one scripture comes to mind 1 Corinthians 15:54-55. Jesus conquered death and He has removed it's sting. He has given us an eternal hope that cannot perish. Life gets easier when I realize that I am going somewhere eternal and what I do on earth is transitory. Whatever ministry I find myself in, I know that the Lord will not be impressed by it. What will impress Him is when I get alone with Him and practice for my eternity with Him. I will be worshiping outside of time for an eternity...
Might as well get started now!!!
Lord, teach me to love like you do!
This issue of my high opinion of myself has been coming up lately. Ignite hosted 48 Hours of Prayer and I was the guy who organized it, planned it and at times pushed it on people. Despite my humanity, the Holy Spirit took it and blessed it regardless of me. I am also planning a Spring Getaway for Ignite to Aberdeen. I have been tracking down all the little details of the trip and crossing "t's" and dotting "i's". I am enjoying the process, I just forgot one little detail... I haven't asked God what He wants to do with our group in Aberdeen. God has been planning this event since before He created time and He is allowing me to be a part of it. In all of this planning I was talking to my mentor and pastor, Mark Wolbert and he mentioned that it must feel good to be used by the Lord. I said something to the affirmitive and now looking back, my heart was not right! In my heart, I had a seed that said it was about time that the Lord recognized my leadership potential and started to use it.
HOW ARROGANT AM I?
To think that the One who made me is "finally" recognizing how the skills He gave me can be used... Ouch. I want to be used by the Lord, but I need to realize that God will use me for Himself as long as I am not trying to use myself for Him.
This whole can of worms came up when Aaron asked me on the way down to Eugene who should lead the Spring Break mission trip. I thought for a bit, analyzing the strengths and weaknesses of everyone in our leadership team and quickly deducted that I was the only one who could manage the job. I told him that it should be ME and Niki, who I love doing ministry with. We really work well together and between the two of us, we could do the job. Aaron said something that shut me down and made me think. He said that he would rather have someone lead it who was going to fail and learn something than have someone who would not fail and in not failing would fail to learn something.
I have never been able to accept failure. I hate it and would rather never go through it. But I need to fail, how else is God going to teach me anything? I need to learn that mistakes are okay and that I can make them, if I learn from them. I am not always right and there are many ways to skin a cat. My high opinion of myself and my ministry ability are based on MY talents and MY skills. Both are not good things to put much confidence in I am realizing.
So, the mistake I am learning from is the attitude that MY ministry matters. Onyx House does not need ME to come down there and lead worship. Ignite does not need MY leadership ability to run a good trip. My sisters church does not need ME to come and lead their youth. The only thing that they need is Jesus and if He chooses to administer Himself through me, then I am willing. I do not need to step out and offer MY services if it is not what God wants.
The only thing that matters in my ministry is my ministry unto the Lord, the time I spend with Him, the worship I offer Him when we are alone together and my abandonment to His Holy Spirit.
As I finished the book by Gary Witherall, one scripture comes to mind 1 Corinthians 15:54-55. Jesus conquered death and He has removed it's sting. He has given us an eternal hope that cannot perish. Life gets easier when I realize that I am going somewhere eternal and what I do on earth is transitory. Whatever ministry I find myself in, I know that the Lord will not be impressed by it. What will impress Him is when I get alone with Him and practice for my eternity with Him. I will be worshiping outside of time for an eternity...
Might as well get started now!!!
1 comment:
thanks brother... that is just what i needed to read today. thanks for being transparent!
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