So much to write...

... so I'll keep this short. There is a ton going on in my life right now. All of it is good, because the hard stuff is causing me to become closer to Jesus. I have this urging to write, but I can't accurately formulate my thoughts... A lot of it has to do with me being challenged to not fake it anymore. I confess, that sometimes I have been faking it, even to close and intimate friends. I am good at writing, I think so and you are welcome to disagree, but my skill is not going to get me by any longer. Jesus is really shaking my life, you can ask me about it and I'll be happy to share, but here on this blog, words aren't going to be accurate.

I had a great experience where Jesus challenged me in a few great ways. I knew that I was going to corporate prayer in the morning and then another prayer meeting that night. I was so worried because I didn't think that I would have anything to pray. I have been used in prayer meetings to give direction and prophetic leadership before and this is a role I am comfortable in. So comfortable that it causes other people to not feel free to pray things out. I saw myself in the morning prayer with the staff and Aberdeen interns fumbling before the Lord trying to have something to pray out, trying so hard to have something good and anointed to pray for so that I can look good, even in front of people that love and know me. The Lord is causing me to despise this... I don't need to lead every prayer meeting that I am involved in, He just wants me to be there and pray. I am seeing that there is nothing wrong with just standing there and interceding, agreeing and enjoying Jesus during a prayer meeting. I also know that I am called to preach the Gospel, so in prayer, I can try to say things a certain way and I have even been known to use prayer to preach at the people in the room with me. Ouch...

In the midst of Jesus showing me where I am at, really and not me trying to put a good face on it, I am beginning to come to the realization that if all I do is blubber, cry and be completely broken and worthless in the world's eyes, then Jesus will have me where He wants me. A prayer meeting, or even a personal time of prayer, will only be as good as the person leading it. The Holy Spirit is the best leader I have ever met, so instead of me trying to lead and direct a meeting, I should just let Him do it.